How Moving Your Computer Mouse Every 15 Minutes Makes You a Valuable Member of the Workplace

Ah, to be a cog.

December 16, 2020

I don’t think I’m alone in saying these past few months of remote working have been a fever dream! The normal work-week feels like a different lifetime. And it’s lonely; writing emails and answering calls without my colleagues. On my worst days, I’d only move the computer mouse just to stay active! One Tuesday last week I woke up and couldn’t remember what the inside of my cubicle looked like. Or my boss’s sweet, sweet face…

The following Monday, on my second cup of trader joe’s cold brew, it hit me. If I couldn’t go to the office, why couldn’t I bring the office to me? There was nothing stopping me from immersing myself in the office culture, straight from the comfort of my 60 square foot basement shit-stain apartment!

I started small, and worked my way up. The following day, I prepared a FULL business casual outfit the night before (including pants!) When it was time for the bi-weekly zoom check-in, I pretended to ‘forget’ my meeting notes in the next room. When I came back, boss called me ‘detail oriented.’ Score!

The next day, I went even further, simulating my commute by getting into my 2014 Kia soul (carmax!), driving around the block, and parking back at my apartment complex. I even turned on “The daily” by Michael Barbaro. Covid-19 cases are going up in my area! I felt like I was getting the best of both worlds.

When lunch rolled around, I made sure to microwave my chicken (which I meal-prepped the night before) 30 seconds under the recommended time. The lukewarm, barely seasoned chicken triggered a memory in my brain, and for a short few seconds I was back in that dusty, gray cubicle with the magnet of my alma mater smiling back at me. Following lunch, I was more productive than ever. I even scheduled a fake phishing email to keep me on my toes.

My boyfriend doesn’t understand why he can’t be in the house from 9-5, and when I tried to explain to him that he wouldn’t be in my actual office from 9-5 he freaked on me, and left to get Chick fil-A. When I told him that was homophobic, he told me I can’t talk because I’m working for a Fortune 500 company. Anyway, I don’t get what his problem is. But we broke up. It’s been hard, but I’m trying to throw myself into my work.

After a few weeks of total immersion, the lines began to blur. I’d wake up at three in the morning, sweating, scrambling to check my email. I microwaved every meal. My gas-tank bill was off the charts. And my boss promptly fired me when I tried to conduct an active shooter drill in my house.