A Call for Star Wars: The Musical. Help Me Obi-Wan, This Is My Only Way to Cope

A long time ago (now) in a galaxy far, far away (Broadway)…Star Wars: The Musical had the chance to challenge the tyranny of COVID-19. Did they take it?  

By: Sila Puhl

In a normal year, this would be the time where every grocery store trip is accompanied by the hallowed soprano of a prepubescent boy. All the malls would be displaying the garish apple-cheeked elves, and husbands would be flocking to Bloomingdales to buy the necklaces that would save their marriages. Amidst the chaos of gifts, carols, and ghosts of past/present/future, we find respite in one thing: an eerie CGI Carrie Fisher and the resurgence of the “is Adam Driver hot” debate.

The annual release of yet another Star Wars movie lulls us into a sweet psychosis, the “zzzzhhhhh” of colliding lightsabers like rolling waves against a rocky shore. But not this year. While COVID is accelerating the slow death of movie theatres, it has tortured, murdered, and buried Broadway. Only the most radical act can revive it. I turn to you, The Walt Disney Company. It is time for Star Wars: The Musical.

Live theatre has done a head dive into an empty audience. The aerosols produced in the “Don’t Rain On My Parade” belt is equivalent to those produced by the collective sigh of commuters when a break dancer walks into the subway car. Musical theatre is just too great a risk. Or so we think.

Star Wars: The Musical is perfectly equipped to handle the COVID-19 Pandemic. Many characters are already wearing masks; Storm Troopers, Darth Vader, Darth Maul, they’re all model citizens! In a beautiful subversion of the good-evil binary, it is the bare faces of Princess Leia, Han Solo, and Luke Skywalker that invite terror. Darth Vader’s severe mouth-breathing won’t be scary; it’ll be a clear indication that his air is ventilated. CLEAN.

Even with their masks, actors will never need to touch each other. First, most of them will be robots or puppets. Second, the Force is a strong enabler for social distancing. As Darth Vader chokes Admiral Motti from six feet away, we can relax knowing he is not putting his own airways at risk.

Star Wars has always pushed the boundaries of entertainment; their prologues made people read, they presented subtle incest and passed it under the radar, they said “maybe rat tails can be sexy.” Keep pushing. Bring this to the stage. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, The Walt Disney Company. You’re my only hope.