5 Houseplants That Scream “I Have 3000+ Unread Emails in My Inbox”

March 10, 2021

“Picked a living thing you don’t even have to feed huh? Classic Inbox hoarder”

Cactus

This is for the laziest plant owners. So lazy that if you forget to water it, who cares? This just advertises 6,000 unopened emails or more PER account.

Chinese Money Plant

Sometimes you need a job. Sites like Indeed have been cramming your mailbox with “interesting Career Options.” It feels like you get a 100 emails a day about “New Employment Opportunities” and 0 job offers! If this is you, I’d recommend the Chinese Money Plant. You’re unemployed. You need money. And nothing’s better than something that isn’t money but sounds like money. Besides money. The Chinese Money Plant grows leaves, not dollar bills, but the leaves are green. And with enough hallucinogens, those waxy flags of foliage can look like Ol’ Benjamin Franklin and his 10 clones. I recommend three tabs of acid if you want to see 11 Benjamin Franklins. Anymore than that and you’ll see nothing but Thomas Jeffersons.

Asparagus Fern

For some, this might be your first email address. You might be a 18 year-old kid named Danny who’s making this email so you have another tab to switch to and pretend you’re not watching porn. I must say, this is a brilliant tactic and I see great things in your future Danny. For someone like you, I would recommend the asparagus fern, which is actually an herb, not a fern. First off, it has asparagus in the name. Your mom will immediately think that you are eating your vegetables. Secondly, An asparagus fern is pretending to be a fern and you are pretending to use your email! You’re using it as an excuse to stunt your sexual development and prematurely ejaculate which brings me to my third point. The asparagus fern’s leaves are very soft and absorbent, making it the ideal plant choice for easy post-masturbation clean-up. I hope you’re ready Danny because this is going to be the first time you’re gonna be excited to go to Home Depot!

One Single Rose

This one is perfect for all the men and women that find themselves on a season of ABC’s hit reality television series “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”. All day everyday when you’re shooting, there’s no way you’re going to be able to check our phone! Mostly because the producers took it away from you in order for you to feel an even greater sense of isolation from your true reality. Your inbox will be maxed out by the time you even step foot into that fake limo with your hurriedly backed suitcases and ABC-branded mic-pack still hot. When you get home, you’ll be yearning for someone to give you a red rose that you’ll probably just a bunch of single ones from that man selling them at the intersection outside your crusty apartment building. They will wilt, and you will keep them as a decoration symbolizing the enormous amount of public rejection you’ve faced.

Pile of leaves

A decent amount of conspiracy theorists believe email is a government plot to turn people into ‘liberal snowflakes’ or worse. As a result, they don’t check their emails and cover their computers in bubble wrap. If this is you, I suggest a pile of leaves for a houseplant. It doesn’t have to be many leaves, maybe three or four. Just enough that it can be fashioned into an impromptu tin foil hat when necessary. The pile of leaves masquerading as a houseplant is a perfect depiction of its owners: conspiracy theorists masquerading as notable celebrities. Those who have installed piles of leaves in their home include Mike Pence, JK Rowling, and every president since Eisenhower.