Opinion: My Therapist Said My Mom Is Manipulative but I’m Pretty Sure I’m Supposed to Feel Unfulfilled When I Succeed

If not unfulfillment, then definitely guilt. What’s the problem again? 

August 18, 2022

By: Julia Zhen 

It’s not uncommon for grown adults to realize they may have learned some toxic behaviors from their parents. I mean, I’m not a perfect person but neither are my parents! That’s why I started seeing this white lady therapist named Cheryl. Cheryl is super nice so far and pretty helpful with teaching me coping mechanisms when I get too stressed out or have irrational, anxious thoughts. 

Pretty much everything she has taught me has been applicable to my life, and I have yet to question it. But during our last session, I told her that my mom always made me feel like even though I achieved the goal that my mom set out for me, I still feel unfulfilled, but that’s just what success feels like. Cheryl seemed kind of surprised and immediately wanted to address this. 

I went on to explain to Cheryl that my mom sets really high goals and standards for me, and once I meet them, there is always a next goal my mom has already immediately set. So of course that initial ‘success’ will feel like unfulfillment, duh! Cheryl really did not get it. She said that my mom was being manipulative and not properly addressing the praise and positive reinforcement needed for people to feel accomplished and loved. 

I was so confused by her words ‘praise’ and ‘positive reinforcement.’ I thought that was only for like, training dogs? Cheryl said that I should try to take moments after I achieve a goal to say kind and encouraging things to myself, but that’s so weird. Unfulfillment is the reward! Sometimes not all rewards feel good, you know. It’s like when you wait a long time to get a table at a busy restaurant on a Saturday night. Once you finally get seated, sometimes the food is bad. But at least you got the table! Who cares if the food is bad. Now you’re just moving up to get another table, and then another table, and then another until you conquer all the tables in the restaurant and then just have so much shitty food around you as the reward. 

It makes sense to me, okay?