Life Hack! I Gave the CDC My $10 Applebee’s Gift Card and They Said I Could Leave Quarantine

Juice it up even more with a $5 Barnes & Noble gift card

By: Julia Zhen

January 5, 2021

For almost two years now, many American people have been abiding by every single word from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, better known as the CDC. Most of us didn’t have any reason to reject what they were saying; they are the experts after all! But sometimes, even your greatest heroes fall victim to temptation. 

The CDC’s greatest fault is that they are a little too easy to bend when tempted by their favorite little treats. First it was getting the vaccine. After two weeks passed your last dose of the vaccine, you were free to roam the world maskless! Madness! Could it be true? Their answer was ‘Yes, kind of. Sort of. Just get out of the house and leave us alone.’

Then the CDC was enticed by another little lady… money, otherwise better known as capitalism in the form of airlines. Those pesky airlines had flight attendants and pilots dropping like flies because they were getting exposed to the hulk of all COVID variants, Omicron. The CDC took one look at the airline situation and said, ‘10 days of quarantine even if you don’t have symptoms??? Bullshit! Unleash the infected animals after 5 days of no symptoms! Throw a mask on them if you feel so inclined, we don’t care!’ 

So I thought to myself – I’ve had a few sniffles and a bit of a runny nose, but overall, no other symptoms for the past 6 hours. I had already made plans with someone from Hinge to go see the new Spiderman movie, so I feel like if I can give the CDC a little treat, they would set me free early too. After all, I’m vaccinated, and I am also a fan of airlines, such as Delta and United. Me and the CDC in theory would be best buds with all that we have in common! 

I called up the CDC while quarantined at a Starbucks and said, ‘Hello? CDC? I got exposed to COVID19 about 4 days ago. I’ve got a few sniffles, but who doesn’t! I have plans to see the sold-out Spiderman movie later today, and I know I haven’t hit the 5 days quarantine period, but how’s about I give you this here $10 Applebee’s gift card, and you give me the greenlight to walk outta here, and we call it a day! We’ll have a big laugh about this next year when the Iota variant rages on! Ha!’

And just like that, the CDC agreed. I immediately mailed out my $10 Applebee’s gift card with USPS Priority First Class mail (insured, of course, the supply chain is still a victim to COVID19) and even threw in a recommendation for them to order the Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp! That is an underdog of a dish if there ever was one.