SCOTUS Celebrates July 4th by Enacting the Purge
For the next 12 hours, all crimes will be legal, even overturning precedent!
July 4, 2022
By: Grant Yang
In a landmark 6-3 decision this morning, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that July 4th would be officially celebrated with an annual Purge. “We have found it unconstitutional for Americans to be prohibited from exercising their freedom,” began the majority opinion written by justice Clarence Thomas, “so for the next 12 hours, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal and governmentally sanctioned. May god be with you all.”
This decision comes after a series of rulings that hit Democrats hard, including restrictions on abortion, EPA regulation, and gun control. Many have criticized the overwhelming power of the far-right Court, which has rolled back decades of progress for all Americans. The Purge decision, however, has deepened the ideological lines within the supposedly neutral Court. Dissenting justices Sotomayor, Kagan, and Jackson were nowhere to be found shortly after the decision, presumably gone into hiding with their loved ones. The other justices, having no loved ones, decided to stay at the Court.
“I strongly value the doctrine of stare decisis and agree with the precedent that America should not have a Purge,” wrote chief justice Roberts in a concurring opinion, “therefore I will stare as the other justices decide to enact the Purge.” He then took a long puff from a cigar while repeatedly pointing at the “No Smoking” sign above him, flashing a wry smile.
“Long have we been oppressed by Democratic sanctions on Constitutional freedoms such as homicide and triple homicide,” stated justice Kavanaugh while revving a chainsaw and donning a mask only slightly uglier than his real face, “If only the Purge had been enacted earlier, my life would have been a whole lot easier, by which I mean exactly the same. Now where are those three dissenters…”
Justice Barrett, who had been staring at the yellow wallpaper around her for months, was seen suddenly climbing onto a wooden chair and shouting the word “Fuck!” before quickly clasping her hand over her mouth and squealing with delight.
Within an hour of the Purge announcement, riots broke out across the nation as people filled the streets to protest the ruling while senselelessly being slaughtered by their fellow citizens. Just when the nation seemed to be devolving into complete chaos, another emergency broadcast flooded the country’s airwaves to millions of hopeful protestors: “Attention all Americans. You still can’t get an abortion.”
