China Hopes Biden Presidency Won’t Slow Down America’s Decline

Can China still overtake the US if it’s not run by a complete and utter fucking moron?

President Xi Photo Credit: UNClimateChange; Biden Photo Credit: Gage Skidmore

January 24, 2021

Last month, Chinese President Xi Jin Ping publicly congratulated President Elect Joe Biden for his Electoral Victory over incumbent Donald Trump. Behind closed doors however, a different story emerged.

According to aides, President Xi was overheard asking himself if China could overtake the United States if it “wasn’t run by a complete and utter fucking moron.” Xi posited “If they institute a mask order, they might not fully and irrevocably wreck their economy, and where will that leave us?”

Already, moves like “listening to someone with a medical degree during a nationwide medical emergency, instead of a sick rapper like Lil Wayne” and “ceasing in-person political rallies during a pandemic” represent a rapid massive shift in the American playbook, and has confused Chinese strategists.

“During the last four years, we could always rely on America to do the craziest thing we could think of,” explains CCP US Analyst Wong Liang. “We simply were not prepared for the possibility that over 80 million Americans would do the most logical thing and vote against Donald Trump.”

Wong then got sentimental, “After Trump first got elected, my entire team got a bunch of chimpanzees hopped up on stimulants and then had them throw darts at the wall to simulate how we thought President Trump would react to certain situations. Now we have to throw away all of that research, which sucks because we did some pretty great work.”

“For instance, instead of injecting bleach to cure Coronavirus, we had actually predicted Trump would suggest mainlining liquid gold as a cure for the disease. The reason being: there is no way Trump has ever actually used a cleaning product before, but we all know how much Trump loves gold” explains Wong as she wiped away a tear.

Wong sighed as she realized things were going to get a lot less interesting around the office. “Maybe Biden will reveal the nuclear codes if we get our scammers to call about the expired warranty.”