Mold in Frat House Successfully Eradicated By Stronger, More Dangerous Mold
The only thing stopping a bad mold with a gun is a worse mold with a gun.
December 1, 2021
By: Grant Yang
Northwestern University has officially stopped their investigation into a toxic mold infestation at the chapter house of Lambda Phi Epsilon after it was wiped out by a deadlier, more aggressive mold. The previous mold, which had triggered flu-like symptoms and mild allergic reactions in 13 separate students after an anything-but-clothes party, was confirmed to be ruthlessly eradicated by the new infestation overnight.
“We value our students’ health above all else,” announced university president Morton Schapiro, “so we are happy to report that we no longer detect any of the old mold spores in the ΛΦΕ basement. They have all been successfully captured and turned into fuel by the newer, blacker mold. Students no longer need to worry about catching bronchitis from the previous mold ever since the hyper-allergenic carcinogenic species took over.”
The ΛΦΕ brothers expressed gratitude that they could reclaim their home from the invasive fungus. Brother Elliott Li reported, “At first, I was scared that we weren’t going to be able to throw any more ragers because of the basement mold. But one night while I was kicking the trash under the couches, I noticed a faster mold spreading across the walls and eating away at the old one. It moved so quickly but calculated, as if it was intelligent. I watched as it quickly surrounded two of its legs and ripped them off. It could only lie helplessly as it was digested from the outside in, twitching slowly until its life was drained completely. I’m just glad to see that nature is healing”
The mold has been promoted to ΛΦΕ chapter president in a unanimous vote yesterday morning.
