Neighborhood Moms Reluctantly Crown New Power-Walking Queen

A lot of bad sportsmanship exchanged via NextDoor

September 12, 2022

PROVIDENCE – The quiet city was rocked today by a Facebook flurry, as newcomer Martha “Wine Barrel” Anderson took the crown title of Power-Walking Queen.

What first began as a quaint neighborhood tradition to boost calorie-burning camaraderie evolved into a fierce battle – mostly among middle-aged empty-nest mothers and also Dave “I’m the Man” Williams, who dominated headlines a few months ago for defiantly painting his house a blinding neon orange against HOA policy.

This year’s annual power-walking contest was a far cry from the historic chat-and-stroll it once was. Now, neighbors can be seen training year-round in progressively heavier ankle weights, alarmingly fluffy headbands, and scarcely hidden knee braces.

“It’s simple! I strap this baby on, and – “ Martha explained as she connected a boxed wine bag to a long camelbak straw, “Hold on a sec. There we go! What did you ask again?”

The walkers were observed carefully to ensure none broke pace and ran to win the much-coveted crown. While many lined the sidewalks to watch what was usually a close race, Martha completed the route a full half hour before any locals crossed the finish line.

“It’s the lack of humidity! After living in Florida my whole life, it’s like I’ve been underwater til last week!” Martha smiled wide and strapped a new wine bag on in celebration.

Dave, a two-time winner over the past ten years, crossed the finish line second. Seeing no other walkers around, he unfortunately posted on Facebook about his win before an official could alert him to his placement.

Ninety year old Gladys “The Hoary Goat” Filburn commented, “It’s just poor manners to move to a town and immediately win a local contest.”

At the coronation ceremony, Martha thanked God, Franzia, and the inadvertent life-long training courtesy of her previous neighborhood’s mosquitoes.