Red Flag! The Wasian Guy You’re Dating Has a Manifesto

He was browsing a site called “Manifestos for Dummies”

October 14, 2021

CINCINNATI – Jessica Sukkasem found her boyfriend Ron Wilkinson’s laptop half open and pulled up Google Chrome to discover he was browsing a site called “Manifestos for Dummies,” sources confirmed.

“I just wanted to check online for cat sweaters while Ron was in the shower,” confessed Sukkasem. “Then I saw what he had been writing. For context, he is half Korean and half white, so he was talking about how his mixed-race genes are perfect and they are the model for the future. But I can tell you that is not the case. He is allergic to all tree nuts, cinnamon, and rabbits. Plus, he has asthma, and his right knee clicks for some reason. I’m going to have to tell this kid his expectations for the future are apocalyptic then peace out on him.”

Sukkasem was unable to close the laptop before Wilkinson stepped into the bedroom. He admitted that he was working on the document.

“I can’t help that I am a superior being,” smirked Wilkinson. “I have British and Italian heritage, so I just crave taking over everything I can. I feel the spirit of Christopher Columbus calling me to colonize some shit. My Wasian brothers and I need to rise up and take over the world. But before we do, I need to make sure my manifesto is on point. To be honest, I’m kind of hung up on the font face that I want to use. What is the best type for displaying ideal humanity? I want something clean, but bold. Or maybe I could just be kind of ironic and go for Comic Sans or Papyrus. Also, I have no idea what to call it. Maybe something like Mixed Up or White on Rice? I am aiming for mysterious enough to draw the reader in, but not give everything away by dumbing it down.”

Wilkinson’s mother, Diane, noticed that Ron has been acting weird lately.

“I have heard him muttering to himself about how his DNA is flawless after grabbing a Go-Gurt from the fridge,” pointed out Diane. “But then I have to remind him that he has to take his Lactaid if he wants to eat one of those because he is lactose intolerant.”

At press time, Wilkinson had a migraine because he couldn’t decide whether to use AP or Chicago Manual style for his manifesto.