My Chinese Dad Heard I Liked the COVID Vaccine, So He Bought 300 of Them

I didn’t like them that much. I mean, they’re okay, I guess.

January 24, 2021

By: Grant Yang

Last week, I made the huge mistake of offhandedly remarking to my dad that I wished I had the COVID vaccine. To my utter disbelief, this morning I woke up to 300 of them laid out on the kitchen counter. “Do you like?” my father asked with the restrained emotion of an ex-communist, “I got just for you.”

This isn’t the first time he’s done this. A couple of years ago, I mentioned that I liked the dried mango he got from Costco. Rookie mistake. 2 weeks later, he brought home 47 bags of it even though he knew I was trying to go keto. Next, when quarantine had just started, I told him that I needed to buy some toilet paper because I ran out. I wish I had known that he would go and buy out all the TP stock in a 200-mile radius, causing a “national shortage” or whatever. Then, a month later I was calling my friend and said that I preferred N95 masks over paper ones because they were more effective. My dad overheard me and before I knew it, he had raided every local hospital, ripping the masks off of frontline healthcare personnel and terminally ill patients.

“Look dad,” I started as I sat down to have a serious talk. “I know you love me, but you need to express it in a way that isn’t buying me things in bulk. I mean, how am I supposed to finish this?” I motion toward the two-gallon jug of Huawei-brand vaccine towering over the other vials. “I’m sorry, son,” He sighed with a twinge of regret, “it’s just that back in China, we did not have many things. The CCP took everything from us and I was lucky to get even one piece of toilet paper. I just wanted to give you the life I could not have. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Wow, thanks dad, that means a lot. I didn’t realize it but you are so hardworking and generous; you’re the best dad ever. I really wish I knew more people like you.” Within minutes, he left with a bottle of chloroform and the family gun.