Local Woman Faces Antitrust Suit for Having ‘All Dat Ass’

“This will not stop the American people from continuing to enjoy my sweet, sweet thang”

February 25, 2021

SILICON VALLEY – In one of the most serious challenges of its kind since the landmark lawsuit against Microsoft in 1998, Angela Hsu has been sued by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) for the monopolistic nature of her having “all dat ass.” In the suit, FTC regulators accuse Hsu of engaging in anticompetitive behavior that has squashed any future rivalry.

Earlier this year, 32-year-old Angela Hsu testified to the House Judiciary Committee that despite having “all dat ass,” it still does not amount to an anticompetitive monopoly. “While I recognize that my dump truck ass has an outsized effect on modern life and the American economy, being big is not inherently bad,” said Hsu, who drew public scrutiny from Democratic politicians hoping that more stringent antitrust enforcement will help them gain momentum for the midterm Elections. “All I’m trying to do is have fun in life, and I can’t help it if people like me! It just means whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it right,” exclaimed Hsu.

Resisting the government’s narrative that her ass has grown too large and too powerful, Hsu claims to have been proactive in creating a board of advisors to internally regulate and provide oversight over the power her booty can amass.

“If that means that the International Chamber of Commerce has to dictate which nights I can go out on the town, fine. Fast Fashion industries like Zara and H&M have already limited the types of clothes I can wear. None of this will stop the American people from continuing to enjoy my sweet, sweet thang.”

Despite her claims to compete fairly, Hsu is known to have completed the Chloe Ting GetPeachy Challenge multiple times throughout the past several months. The FTC is seeking a permanent injunction in federal court which would require Hsu to divest her ass-ets. Hsu maintains that her ass, like other giants Facebook and Google, has a large market share because they offer a superior experience, not because consumers have no other choices.

While it’s true that millions of Americans cannot imagine life without all dat ass, the outcome of this lawsuit will ultimately determine whether the rich get richer or the thicc get thicccccer.