Five Valentine’s Gifts That Say, “Yeah, We’re Breaking up in May.”

February 14, 2021

By: Andal Paul

“The only thing we have in common is that we both produce body heat.”

It’s really important and honestly critical to find someone to hunker down with in the cold months, especially when this pandemic has been isolating us. Being able to snuggle up by the fire, with Attack on Titan playing on his small, beat up Dell after he yelled at his parents for making us a snack has been the closest to heaven I’ve seen in a while. But I’ve found we actually don’t have much in common other than producing body heat. Once it gets warm we’re probably gonna end things. 

Here’s a few gifts I’ve learned to hint at the inevitable:

1. A single Bachelor-esque rose

It’s lazy, pretending to be romantic. A perfect excuse to say, “this is for you because I picked you,” when you actually want to say, “this old guy was selling single roses at the intersection of Diversey and Webster when I was stopped at the light on my way home from Jewel Osco. I didn’t get red because white was cheaper.” 

2. A vibrator

This seems perfect. Valentine’s day is all about love and with love comes the obvious: sex. What better gift to give than something that elevates the sexual playing field. But when you boil it all down, he just doesn’t want to take care of your sexual needs anymore. He’ll start to roll over after he finishes, knowing you can’t say you can’t take care of it yourself. Ugh.

3. ‘Something’ arriving late

All month your significant other has been hyping up his valentine’s day gift. And, yeah, of course you’re excited. But as the day creeps up you know he hasn’t gotten a package because you guys live together, and you’d know if he picked something up at the door because you pick up all the packages. And then finally when the day comes he says it’s arriving late, but why would something he says he got off Amazon a month ago arrive late? It doesn’t make any sense, right??!”

4. Tears

Of course you’re gonna cry like what did he expect?! You wouldn’t be mad if he just told you the truth, that he didn’t know what to get you and so he’s pretending to get something off Amazon. Maybe you’d be a little upset anyway but then you could talk through it! But he never wants to talk through anything! And now you’re in the bathroom crying trying to fix your smudged mascara, and he’s playing a round of Valorant on his stupid gaming PC. 

5. Post about him on r/AITA 

Create a post on the Am I the Asshole subreddit, asking the community if you’re in the wrong, or, he’s just trying his best. Of course, you choose to include screenshots from his boys groupchat back in 2016 where he says, “Gay people suck,” and “are always flirting with him.” It’s important context. Let them make the decision for you.