Subway Dog Also Upset Man Sitting Across From You Is Wearing Open Toed Shoes
“Even I know that NYC has the highest urine per capita in the country”
August 27, 2022
By: John Hedrick
Listen dude, I’m just a corgi on the L train. I’m quite literally on the ground floor here, but even I know to have standards. The subway is anything BUT a pleasurable experience for me. I’m dealing with motion sickness, teenagers breakdancing without my consent, and I can’t see very well because my owner decided to give me matching bangs. We’re cute Brooklynites, but you know what ISN’T cute? Those 9 little piggies you got millimeters from the dirty subway floor. Oh you have 10 toes? I don’t care, I shouldn’t know how many toes you have at any given moment in this city. I shouldn’t even know how to count, but I’m so mad at your toes that I taught myself to quantify things.
The worst part is I watched you walk through a puddle of piss on the subway platform to get here. I know because I was the one who pissed. I piss all over the place and so do my friends! And so do my owner’s friends after a bar crawl! The urine per capita for American cities is the highest in New York, even higher when you focus on subway platforms.
As a dog, my ability to smell is cracked. I’m the nose goat and right now I just want to smell the spilt boba tea on the other side of the car that’s slowly drizzling back to where we’re sitting but all I can smell right now is the cheese between your toes and the body odor of your Rainbow Sandals.
What’s that? This is our stop? Thank god. Get me off this god damn metal death vehicle. OH COME ON! There’s a guy completely naked on the subway bench!
