BREAKING: Chinese Immigrant Dad Releases Statement Expressing Pride in Children Who Only Speak English

Take that Communism!

PHILADELPHIA- David Huang, father of two, wants to put an end to all the questioning about what language his children speak- it’s English. After immigrating here from China, David is living the American dream and is thrilled to have achieved the ultimate sign of success in America, assimilated children who only speak English.

Huang considers himself your average American dad. He is active in Fantasy Football, loves Costco hot dogs, is famous for his homemade Buffalo Chicken Dip, and picks his son Cody up from baseball and his daughter Keileighann from lacrosse in his 2015 Prius. In his statement, Huang describes moments of pride for his children as they have grown into model American citizens.

“I left communist China for a better life,” says Huang, “so when my kids said they would rather have Domino’s than slimy Chinese food, my heart sang The Star-Spangled Banner. They never learned piano or Wu-Shu. Cody and I have really bonded over shooting rifles at the Philly Gun Range. He is a great shot!” Last week, we asked Keileighann if she is celebrating the Lunar New Year, to which she replied, “I don’t even know what my astrological moon sign is.”

When Huang asked his kids what they want to do once they graduate, Keileighann said she wants to take a gap year and backpack through Europe. Cody wants to get into a good state school on a baseball scholarship and intern at Barstool Sports. Huang is looking forward to retirement, so he can golf and fix old cars in Florida.