Why Calling Your White Boyfriend “My Little Colonizer” is Actually Super Cool and Not Weird

‘It’s a little weird how good he is at Risk though’

May 23, 2021

By: Grant Yang

1. He’s like one of the good ones, though

He’s like super woke BoyBoss liberal #StopAsianHate and even posted one of those infographics to his story that one time. He could never actually colonize you now that he quit saying racial slurs as of last year. He’s different. It’s a little weird how good he is at Risk though, and he knows a bit too much about the Roman Empire. He can’t help it, it was a different time!

2. His ancestors taught you a lot

Even though he has direct lineage to the Brits that took Hong Kong, they were probably really kind to your ancestors and taught them many things. They no doubt even built a nice church for your family and taught them about morals for the first time. Also, they introduced milk and sugar to your tea! Your family wouldn’t have even been smart enough to make it to America without them, so in a way, colonization is good! Help him help you.

3. Britain will give India back their resources

Moments after dating a white guy “for your people,” the Queen of England issued a formal apology to India for the century-long Raj. She is now single-handedly returning all of the agricultural crops and money that the Crown had siphoned from the subcontinent, all at once. She’s also taking back any white people still there.

4. The Opium Wars get erased from history

After hearing that their descendant was dating an Asian, your boyfriend’s ancestors retroactively undid the Opium Wars. They extracted the drug from every Chinese person’s blood and shoved it back into the poppy, and then burned all the plants. If you look into a textbook now, the Opium Wars are never mentioned, not because of this but because they never were anyways.

5. It reverses the effects of Agent Orange

Not only does calling your boyfriend “colonizer” help people mentally, but it also

physically undoes any trauma that resulted from the Vietnam War. Any cancer that resulted from Agent Orange actually shrinks and withers away. Last you heard, Vietnamese victims were coming back to life thanks to this role reversal.