‘Twas the Night Before Valentine’s Day

“Happy Valentine’s Day to all, and to all a depressing night!” 

February 13, 2021

By: Sila Puhl

‘Twas the night before Valentine’s Day, when all through the house,

The women were stirring, none with a spouse;

The stench of desperation hung heavy in the air, 

In hopes a New York 5 would messy their hair. 

The gal pals were single, libidos not fed, 

Their legs were shaved, ready to spread. 

Away to the kitchen to start to drink, 

Ignoring the advice of their high-priced shrink, 

The women drank and drank, leaving naught but a splash, 

To hit on men at bars completely unabashed. 

At the stroke of 10 they call an Uber, 

Screaming “Sarah!! Hurry the fuck up you boomer.”

They arrive at the bar, sitting tight and looking pretty, 

Waiting for suitors below the age of fifty. 

When what to their wondering eyes did step in, 

But a fratty looking man and eight of his brethren.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, 

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now Hunter! Now, Andrew! Now Brian and Chad! 

On, Connor! On, Tanner! On, Wyatt and Brad! 

To the left booth! Right next to the wall! 

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!” 

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, 

So the men lumbered to the seat, smelling like pig sty.

The women caught their eye and made their approach, 

Knowing it was them or the minor league coach. 

They said “Hey boys, room for some more?” 

To which they received “I guess,” absolute score! 

The women could choose as the men were in high supply,

And soon wanted to leave to the house of Beta Theta Pi. 

Tanner sprang to his car, to his team gave a whistle. 

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. 

Not one woman exclaimed that night, ere in the morning they drove out of sight — 

“Happy Valentine’s Day to all, and to all a depressing night!”