An Open Letter to the Sickly-Looking White Man Who Keeps Advocating for Maoism
“It’s 8:30 AM, and I can hear you over my true crime podcast.”
February 18, 2021
By: Julia Zhen
Dear Sickly-Looking White Man,
Why are you so loud? It is 8:30am, and we are on the subway. I should not be able to hear you over my true crime podcast. I know you’re just trying to advocate for better work conditions for all humans, but should everyone really be able to have access to a job? Some jobs are ridiculous and should not exist!
I think you failed to realize that my sister is a total piece of shit. She sells handmade chachkis on Etsy made of her old beanie babies and is super annoying and weird about it! C’mon, you really don’t think she needs to do a real job for a living and her current work is enough value-add to society? If she kills my parents for insurance money, that’s on you buddy.
Oh, ALSO, explain why those white women who just make graphic tees in that big cursive that says stuff like “Mommy Needs Her Wine!” or “Don’t Talk To Me Until I’ve Had My Pumpkin Spice Latte.” Is that a real job deserving of basic human rights? I don’t think so!
I think the woman who works at the front desk of my apartment building that I’m also too scared to confront that keeps claiming my packages are missing but then wears all the nice skirts that I ordered off Zara does not deserve a job.
I think the 16 year-olds that run ice cream shops during the summer time should hold political office. They would do a very good job, and also they would be honest if we ran into issues in the government because if you yell at them they would not give a single fuck.
Girl scouts should qualify as EMTs. Boy Scouts should go to prison or rehab.
By the way, if we’re killing landlords, then we should also kill parking attendants and parking meters. It’s only fair!!! AND there should be free parking on university campuses and in front of Trader Joe’s!
After the class war, it would be super fun if we kept Jeff Bezos on retainer as the guy who has to go into a nuclear plant to clean up stuff in case it were to explode. You know, like Chernobyl.
The POLICE should be RATS. Except for my cousin Jess who should be a PIG RAT WHORE for kissing James at the FIJI house party in 2015 even though she knew I was into him!
Anyway, that’s all my notes. I hope that you take these back with you to make sure we have a plan in place after the class war. By the way, you should really stop smoking cigarettes and drink more water (and take your antidepressants). Also I ordered you some deodorant. Amazon prime same-day delivery!
Best,
Julia
