5 WeChat Messages to Make Your Relatives Think You Remembered Lunar New Year

IT’S THE YEAR OF THE 🍆🐂cOX🐂🍆!!

February 12, 2021

By: Grant Yang

Forgot to wish your relatives back in the motherland a happy Lunar New Year so now they like Cousin Meimei more? No problem! Send one of these five tasteful messages into the family Wechat to trick Uncle Huang into believing you were thinking of him all along!

1. CHUN JIE COCK LE😩😩!!!!!!! Listen up qipao SLUTS 👘IT’S THE YEAR OF THE 🍆🐂cOX🐂🍆!! So get ready to stuff 🈵your 🐱PUSSY🐱like it’s a 🧧HONGBAO🧧!!! Time to slurp up 叔叔’s GIANT 肉干🍖🍖until he gets STICKY CAKE🥮💦💦 all over your THICC oranges 🍊🍊👀💦SEND THIS to your 8️⃣8️⃣ HORNIEST🐂 COCKcubines🍆to get some BIG 萝卜糕👅👅👅this New Year!  If you get 0️⃣-3️⃣ of these back, your FORTUNE will be as dried out as your 🐱🐱If you get 4️⃣-7️⃣ of these back 大哥👲🏻😜 will play with your LANTERNS🏮🏮🏮If you get more than 8️⃣ back you will be screaming AIYAH 😩👉👌on this AUS-PUSSY-OUS day🍆💦🈵

This refined and culturally-sensitive message will be sure to win over your relatives’ love this New Year! They’ll be too busy forwarding it to all their WeChat friends to notice your forgetfulness.

2. 大家新年快乐! Except for Uncle Zhou. He gave me the least hongbao money last year, only ¥150. Bet you wish you moved to America! 😂

Calling out your relatives is so much fun! Plus, they’ll feel too ashamed to even notice your message was last-minute, and they’ll send you lots more renminbi! Success!

3. Gong Xi Fa Cai! Thank you Nainai for sending me tangyuan! I heard you sent Cousin Meimei a new car! Did you know she’s sleeping with a white man? LOL

You knew that was supposed to be a secret from the rest of the family but she didn’t deserve that car anyways: she lives in a city! Shifting the focus off of you is so easy, and so worth it.

4. Once you open this message you cannot escape. You must finish reading or else you will die! My name is Lulu and I am 7 years old. I am covered in blood and I gouged out my eyes. If you do not send this to 10 people before midnight I will hide under your bed and I will kill you.

Once Aunt Lao sees this message, she’ll be too scared to remember that you’re a disgrace to the family! And if she dies she’ll stop saying that you’ve grown fatter. It’s not a compliment! Win-win!

5. FREE WCT MSG-DO NOT REPLY: Error message from WeChat. Error: This number is no longer in service. Any additional messages will add ¥30 to your phone plan.

Perfect! This automated message will fool your extended family into thinking you’re not unloving, just poor! Bonus: no more pesky messages about Nainai’s failing health!