White Girl Insists Chinese ‘Year of the Ox’ Translates to ‘Gemini Sun, Sagittarius Moon’
Duo the Owl confirmed this bitch does not know a lick of Mandarin.
February 7, 2021
By: Julia Zhen
New York City – Jessica Kruger, a self-declared “Licensed Astrologist”, asserted today on her Instagram account that as the Lunar New Year approaches, whenever Chinese people refer to the “Ox Zodiac” it’s actually equivalent to a ‘Gemini Sun, Sagittarius Moon.’
“I’ve studied Astrology for years. And it’s completely normal for other cultures to adopt it and refer to it differently in their own language and cultural relevance,” describes Kruger, “as a matter of fact, I’ve gone ahead and translated all the Chinese Zodiacs, and I can tell you all of their equivalences. Like if you’re rising Cancer and Pisces sun, you’re definitely a Fish zodiac.”
When told that Fish is not a Chinese Zodiac, Kruger defended, “I used my intuition to fill in some gaps I found with the Chinese Zodiacs. They only have 12, and there are so many different combinations of constellations that it makes sense for there to be more than 12 Chinese Zodiacs. They probably just forgot to add them; trust me, I’m fluent in Chinese.”
Kruger is not known for her fluency in Mandarin, nor any other Chinese dialects that would indicate her understanding of Chinese text in any capacity. Upon an audit of Kruger’s records, a representative at Duolingo, Duo the owl, confirmed the information.
“Jessica Kruger made an account in 2007 where she attempted to learn Mandarin and Cantonese. Her total app usage is roughly 23 minutes combined. We have tried to reach her multiple times since then to continue her studies, but she has declined. In 2014 she officially discontinued our email efforts.”
As Kruger posted an infographic detailing the meaning of Chinese New Year for her 1,700 followers, she reiterated “Chinese people historically have never known a thing about fortune-telling, but I’m here today to disseminate this critical information to all Chinese Zodiac fanatics! Please share widely!”
The photo set also included Kruger’s new back tattoo in Mandarin reading, “项链烧烤玉沙拉蛋星” which in English actually translates to, ‘Necklace Barbecue Jade Salad Egg Igloo Stars’.
