Trump Issues 100 Pardons for Himself and Gwyneth Paltrow’s Explosive Pussy-Scented Candle

One president, one candle, two stanky disasters.

Gwyneth Paltrow Photo Credit: Georges Biard

January 19, 2021

On his final day in office, Trump was busy putting out the fires caused by his presidency and Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle. No one is shocked that the soon-to-be former President is scrambling to preserve himself. His insistence to pardon the violent candle that smells of Paltrow’s pink canoe raised a few eyebrows. When asked why this muff, soy-based candle deserves mercy, Trump said he empathizes deeply with its tendency to become irrational, volatile, and dangerous without warning. The FBI is now investigating Paltrow’s pussy candle’s potential involvement in the Russian interference in Trump’s 2016 election win.