Alt-Right Cop Bummed He Has to Work on Inauguration Day

“I can’t believe I’m gonna miss my chance to meet THE Ohio Gun Girl!!”

January 17, 2021

Cory Davis, 38, from Alexandria, Virginia has been a police officer for 7 years. In the past 5 years, he’s found a sense of belonging and brotherhood amongst other alt-right members on platforms like Facebook, Reddit, and the now deplatformed Parler app. Due to his proximity to the DC metropolitan area, his force has been called in to supplement support against the possibility of violence breaking out during the week of the Inauguration.

“I’m just really bummed out that all my buddies that I met in the ‘Cops for Trump’ Facebook group are able to partake in this week’s festivities, but I can’t,” Davis complained, “I just want to have some fun and exercise my freedom, what’s wrong with that?”

We asked what ‘festivities’ Davis and his buddies were planning for this week. He responded, “All the guys had some hilarious pranks planned. One of the guys said he was gonna bring a scarecrow dressed as AOC and set it on fire in the middle of the mall. Ha, shit that Jeff is one helluva guy. Funniest dude I know. God, I have so much FOMO!”

We reached the Captain of Davis’ police unit, Robert Calhoun, who shared that he had no issues with the fact that Davis was a part of these Alt-Right groups, “I mean, boys will be boys. They’re gonna do what they want on the Facebooks and whatever they do off-duty is none of my business. That’s the beauty of the constitution. Now if I found that Davis is letting some of his buddies into the Capitol, then that’s an issue the feds are gonna have to deal with. Not me. I got two more years until I can retire so I’m just gonna do my job and get my pension and go.”

When we tried to explain to Captain Calhoun that his callousness and apathy could cost many innocent lives, he said it’s something that comes with doing the job and just shooed us away.

As Davis was putting on his uniform to head into the city, he sighed, “It’s fair I have to work today. We all take turns covering for each other for major holidays. Travis worked Christmas, so we could spend time with our families. Rick worked on January 6th so that we could have our coup. We just take turns, you know?”