White Guy Insists on Venmoing All 3 of His BIPOC Friends Today

“Knowing you’re doing something good, giving back, it really does give you an adrenaline rush.”

January 18, 2021

LOS ANGELES – Tristan Mackenzie was enjoying a rare weekday brunch on Martin Luther King Jr. day until he made a very sudden realization. He couldn’t remember the last time he reposted a BLM Instagram infographic. Today of all days, it was time to give back to the community. He took out his phone and sent a venmo payment to all three of his BIPOC friends.

“Knowing you’re doing something good, giving back, it really does give you an adrenaline rush,” Mackenzie said, exhilarated. “Today is THE day to really say to my friends ‘hey guys, I know this isn’t much, but I wanted to show you that I care!’” After sending $2, Mackenzie grinned, “It’s not about the dollar amount. The fact that I thought about them today – I know they feel appreciated.”

We approached one of Mackenzie’s BIPOC friends, Darius Lewis, for comment, “Look, Tristan is nice. He does his best to be a chill dude. Does he always ask me when he’ll get invited to the next cookout? Yeah, like at least once a week. Even in the Winter. Does he always change the music to MF DOOM when I get into the car? Also yes. Sure he only gave me $2 today, but I tend to overcharge him when we go out and he never notices.”

Mackenzie’s other friend Cheryl Fu had similar thoughts, “Yeah, I mean, he constantly asks me ‘Fu – is that Korean or Chinese? Sorry I can’t ever remember’ and that’s super annoying, but whenever we go to the bar, I always put my drinks on his tabs, and when he asks me to pay him back I say ‘sure!’ and then never do.”

We reached out to Diversity & Inclusion expert Clayton Smith for perspective on the matter, “A 2020 Gallup Poll stated that most White people are fine to just pay their BIPOC friends money if that means they can microagress their friends unchecked, however, this payment cannot be below $55,000 annually, after tax. The White person paying their friends must also outwardly be a ‘Bernie bro’.”

Tristan Mackenzie let us know in response, “Yeah, of course I know about the $55,000 minimum, but I’m not using microaggressions! It’s just jokes. I have a black friend who said I can say them so…”