How to Ace a Zoom Job Interview During an Insurrection

This is a defining moment in history, and could very well be a coup d’etat. But you still gotta eat, right?

January 12, 2020

An angry, violent mob of white supremacists is storming the U.S. Capitol, waving confederate flags and challenging the results of a free and fair election, the very basis of a functioning democracy. The images are shocking and you are watching helplessly as the seat of your government is overcome with unprecedented chaos.

But turn off the news, because it’s time for your Zoom job interview! Sure, this is a defining moment in history, and could very well be a coup d’etat. But you still gotta eat, right?

Here are some best practices for acing that interview while your country burns:

Use your neighbor’s wifi from across the hall. (Good thing your unemployment checks aren’t fat enough to pay for your own internet, anyway!) You can blame a poor internet connection when your face freezes in horror at the sight of white, male rioters in MAGA hats scaling the walls of Congress.
Dim the lights and use makeup filters. Do anything you can to mask the fact that you’ve been shedding tears for the continued lack of racial progress in America.
Don’t mute your phone. When the piercing tones of an amber alert announce the city-wide curfew, you can ask the interviewer to repeat the question and give yourself a few extra moments to think about your answer.
Tell lies so that you really nail the hard-ball questions. All the interviewers love to hit you with the classics — “What are your greatest strengths and weaknesses?” or “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Let yourself shine by answering with some creative lies. We all know you can’t fight very well, and your negotiation skills in a domestic terrorism situation would be abysmal. Oh, and in five years you will most certainly have sought refuge in a foreign country or on Mars as one of Elon’s indentured servants. But you can’t let the interviewer know that, silly pants!
Dress for the job you DON’T want. Ok yes, you definitely want this job. You’re broke. But remember that you’re in DC, and your house could get broken into at any moment by these terrorists! Wear joggers and a cotton long-sleeved tee underneath your dress shirt. And for god’s sake, put on some socks! No one wants to see those things. Even the depression monster inside of you can’t bear to look. Be ready to run at all times, and add ‘adaptability’ and ‘problem-solving under pressure’ to your list of greatest strengths!