Nifty! This Woman Found Anthrax in Her Chanel Advent Calendar

Talk about getting your money’s worth!

December 6, 2021

By: Andal Paul

Christmas is just around the corner, and with it brings a burgeoning holiday spirit for many. This means decking the halls with bouts of Holly, drinking hot chocolate under the mistletoe, and buying a gift or two just for you! December has ‘treat yourself’ written all over it, and nothing screams “excess!!” or “material!!” more than advent calendars – extravagant little bits of stationary with gifts hidden behind every day of the month. And, get this, all your favorite designer brands decided to pull out all the stops when creating their calendars this year.

“I’ve been saving up for months just to get the Chanel Advent Calendar!” Michelle Torque gushed to her friends one chilly December morning. “I was going to spend this money on rent, but their website online says the calendar has an $111,300 dollar value, but only retails for $825. Like what the fuck!”

Chelsea Moore, after waiting in a camping line for days outside Chanel’s New York store, rushed home to unbox all 25 days. “At first I found things like a dust bag, an empty lipstick container, trash stamped with Chanel’s logo, and I was disappointed, of course. But then, as I was unboxing day number 7, I noticed a skull and crossbones logo in the upper left hand corner of the box. I opened it and discovered a ton of white-yellow powder in a ziploc bag. So, I did some research on the dark web,” Chelsea twitched, her eyes eerily non-blinking, “And I realized it was Anthrax. I was going to call the cops, I promise, but the value on the calendar made sense now. I’m going to be rich!”

Chanel’s CEO, Director of Marketing, Director of Sales, COO, Risk Analysts, and contractor’s declined to comment. Chanel Intern Megan Harris told the TLT in a non-disclosed location, “It’s fucking insane here.”  Chelsea Moore is currently awaiting trial.