Why Living in the Qing Dynasty Is Better Than This Hellscape

Well first of all, they drank grain alcohol back then…

January 3, 2021

Photo Credit: S.T.

Some of us are plainly sick and tired of living. We are done watching congress sit all day with their dick in their hands. It’s not enough anymore to say Mitch McConnell has a punchable face. We already knew Nancy Pelosi is just a white lady. Trump etc. Honestly, I’m here to tell you that a lot of us were born in the wrong era. If we throw the Qing Dynasty into a regression model, you’ll see that as humans regress back into their natural state, the quality of life goes up significantly compared to this hellscape.

First of all, this one is dedicated to all my ladies. We often find ourselves strapped financially, but what if I told you, you could escape our capitalistic ways and join a commune where regardless of your income, you’ll be taken care of? Well, back in the Qing dynasty, you could! Except it probably looks more like 8 women and one man, but what’s new! Any broke girl trying to get her comedy career off the ground that starts dating a dude who either does “consulting” or “works on Wall Street” knows that he’s banging like 3 other chicks; I know, I’m being generous. All millennials know that if you’re rich you have more leverage to ask for monogamy.

I know that part doesn’t sound great, but hear me out, in the Qing Dynasty, women were expected to cook, clean, and sew! That’s it! That’s literally it. No bills, no “driving,” no taking the bus to Trader Joe’s and buying “Trader Ming’s Pork Baos!” None of that! What a dream – to avoid a 9-to-5 and have a roof over your head. You’d have to pop out a bunch of kids by age 24 (yes, obviously they have to be boys, is that even a question? It’s the Qing Dynasty after all, don’t be naive), but who cares! We all get to be 20-something mothers together. Baby showers for days!

Ok sure, you would have to get your feet bound – yikes Qing Dynasty! That’s not a good look. But think of it this way – you wouldn’t have to buy yourself more shoes because your husband who loves tiny little lady feet would buy them all for you. Sugar Daddy! Don’t worry about the pain either; they mostly drank grain alcohol back then.

Also, all the baddies who didn’t remarry and stayed loyal to their husband even after their death would get these beautiful arches erected in her name. It was a tribute to her chastity and virtue. That would never happen nowadays! If you die single everyone just starts making cat lady jokes. But in the Qing Dynasty, you die single and you get a freaking statue. At least something gets erected for you, am I right?

Another huge plus – there was a big jump in literacy back then. How many people do you know now that are learning to read? Yeah, 0. If you were a 20-something back in the Qing Dynasty, you would not only be teaching your six sons how to read, BUT you and your sisterwives would be learning how to read too! How freaking exciting is that! Although they probably had super boring books because Harry Potter and Twilight didn’t come out yet.

The last huge pro about living in the Qing Dynasty would be that toward the end of the era, the Japanese started to invade some major cities, which I often yearn for these days. Everyday I wish a more successful East Asian country would come and invade the US. Like have you ever been to a Japanese McDonald’s before? Go look up the Cherry Blossom McFlurry on Tumblr.

Anyway, I hope you liked my thoughts and opinions about why living in the Qing Dynasty would

be way better than right now. I’m currently a sophomore at Catholic University, studying political science.