REPORT: White Man Who Speaks Mandarin Isn’t a Total Weirdo About It

Scientifically, this can’t be true.

January 10, 2021

UPPER MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY – Connor Watkins, 27, is a Sr. Business Analyst at KPMG. We sat down to chat with him about one of his lesser-known accomplishments. “Yeah, so I actually am quite proficient in Mandarin Chinese. I went to a magnet school, and they offered Mandarin, so I thought why not?” explained Watkins. His statement was met with shock and awe by many on our reporting team. We had to know more about his elaborate lie.

TLT: “So what made you want to continue learning Mandarin in undergrad? Trying to get with Chinese girls? Watch Chinese shows? Talk to Chinese people at the store? Get a Chinese wife?”

CW: “Uh, no… Actually, once I got to college, my major required 9 language credits, so I kept taking Mandarin.”

TLT: “Uh-huh… And, what was your major exactly? Asian-American Studies? East-Asian Studies? How-to-get-a-submissive-Chinese-Wife-Studies? ROTC?”

CW: “Well, no. I studied International Business.”

TLT: “Likely story, Watkins. A recent study conducted by The National Institutes of Health found that there was a direct correlation between white men who spoke mandarin and obsessive fetishes for Chinese women, interests in video games, and affinities for Anime. So my guess is you’ve probably been to China too, haven’t you? If not, you probably fantasized all about going to China and gawking at all the little Chinese women and wondering what it would be like to have them wait on you, hand and foot, huh?”

CW: “It’s funny you mention that. I’ve actually been to Beijing once.”

TLT: “Ah-ha! We knew it. You’re a Radiohead-certified-weirdo-creep SINOPHILE. WEEB!”

CW: “What’s a weeb? And, I don’t think I would consider myself a sinophile. I didn’t know people were like that. I mean, I went to Beijing when I was in third grade to accompany my dad for a job interview. They were opening a new international ex-pat office for his company. I think we were only there for five days. Don’t remember much aside from the concierge at the hotel giving me a nickname “XiaoPangZi” which I later found out meant ‘little fatty’ so…”

TLT: “Oh. Okay. Well, if you’re not obsessed with Chinese girls, and you’re not into being a weeb, then… I guess we’re done here. You seem to be the first white guy that’s not some complete weirdo about knowing how to speak Mandarin.”

CW: “Nice, okay cool. Thanks everyone for the time. Stay safe out there with that Chinese Virus going around.”

Updated on Jan. 4, 2021: Connor Watkins was admitted into Mountainside Medical Center shortly after the conclusion of this interview in order to seek treatment for getting his ass kicked.