Why I’m so Fantastic at Pissing in Public Thanks to All Those Years of Peeing Over Squat Toilets

BYOTP: Bring Your Own Toilet Paper

April 7, 2023

By: Julia Zhen

Girls, let’s face it. Some of us don’t have the right junk to pee like a hunk! But that doesn’t mean we should be deterred to piss in public. All it takes is the right pointers and more importantly, practice, to get the method down. Luckily, if you’ve ever traveled to a country in Asia, odds are you might have been faced with a squat toilet before. You know – the ones that are like a fancy ceramic hole in the ground, and sometimes they come with a pee-blocking hood. And if you haven’t, no worries, I’m here to guide you through everything you need to know. 

First and foremost, there’s a number of variations of squat toilets that a lady could encounter. A few examples below:

Now, to the untrained eye, I know what you’re thinking “bitch, what the fuck is that.” I had the same thought when I saw one when I was 4! But fear not, these bad boys are the most ergonomic way to pass the gas, liquid, and solids brewing in your lower abdomen. And as a matter of fact, these little guys really do the trick in training you to squat like a pro when you need to take a quick leak behind the SigNu frat house or in the already damp alleyway off U Street. 

The trick when squatting is to have stability in your structure. This means feet are just a little wider than shoulder width. The next pointer is balance. It’s important to keep your knees over your ankles, and depending on your height and where your balance rests most comfortably, your knees will likely come up near your armpits. 

This next portion is extremely important. We all know vaginas sometimes piss to the right, or the left, or an overall mist. Of course, if you’re lucky it’s a straight shot just down the middle. In order to get the piss right where you want it, you have to lean a little, sometimes to the right, and sometimes to the left, and maybe even forward. But how does this apply to pissing in public? Well we can’t get our damn shoes soaked in golden showers! How will Kevin Nguyen ever kiss a girl with pee pee feet? How are you supposed to go back into happy hour and treat that bartender like shit with urine-drenched pumps? Are you a little piss baby? Or a wee wee tinkle dog? A teeny tiny whizz filled bottle of dasani? No.

Lastly, this is a universal tip for anyone who tinkles in public or likes to go to asian countries to be a ratty tourist, BYOTP: bring your own toilet paper! If you have a vagina and you are peeing in public, you have to wipe or else YOU KNOW that little droplets will be rolling down your thigh, and the same goes for most public restrooms in China, they simply just do not come with enough toilet paper, but also more commonly just no toilet paper at all. Save your inner thigh. BYOTP.