Asian-Americans Displaced After US Unveils ‘Supermodel Minority’

The old model minority can’t compete with being smart AND beautiful

December 27, 2020

Millions of Asian-Americans reported feeling like they had lost their sense of identity as the Model Minority when US officials unveiled their latest project last night: The Supermodel Minority. Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt presided over the announcement on the Lincoln Memorial steps and introduced the supermodels, whom he dubbed “hotties.” “This is a momentous step toward making minorities great again-for-the-first-time,” Bernhardt declared as he threw off the white tablecloth covering the sexy new minority group. The supermodels then strutted elegantly down the makeshift Victoria’s Secret catwalk, set up on the National Mall. They paused underneath a banner reading “Marginalization has never looked so good!” and struck a pose, then mentally solved multivariable calculus problems.

The new Supermodel Minority is touted as having “leaps and bounds more intelligence” than their Asian predecessors and almost as much as their Caucasian counterparts, while also having beauty rivaling that of the average white person. Declassified reports from the DOI cite that the supermodels were designed to “make double the money of current Asian-Americans while also boasting spacious thigh gaps and permanently clear skin.” Lead scientist and fashion designer Jon LeDon-Darwin has been cited saying, “Our team carefully engineered the minorities to ensure that they have a balance between a plump, shapely butt and industrious work ethic.” When asked what inspired such genius, LeDon-Darwin said, “We looked at wasians.”

Many Asian-Americans felt slighted by the unexpected announcement, including Lawrence Zhang, a DC native who viewed the unveiling live. “It’s hard enough trying to assimilate away my culture to impress my superiors, but now I have to compete with a smarter, prettier, whiter version of myself!” he remarked while taking probing side glances at the models. Others reported similar feelings, such as fears of losing their jobs, an overwhelming sense of betrayal, and sexual arousal. We tried to interview one of the supermodels about how they felt but were quickly informed that they could not speak. “A good minority is a silent one,” Bernhardt quipped before throwing the tablecloth back over the models for transport.