Top 10 Holiday Gifts for Your Parents That Say “I Still Need You Financially”

“Wait, Mom, can you schedule my doctor’s appointment? Please? That lady at the front desk is mean.”

December 23, 2020

By: John Hedrick

1. A homemade coupon book – Include coupon classics like a free hug, sink cleaning, or eating the 5 day-old food scraps from the fridge that no one else wants to eat but obviously you CANNOT waste the food! Don’t forget – you must use crayons that are 15 years old. 
2. A coffee maker – They do not need this, they already have one. This shows you are dumb, and they must care for you until you are smarter (which may never happen.) 
3. A toothbrush holder – It was two dollars off on wayfair and will probably come in a size suitable for ants. But that’s not your fault!
4. Starbucks gift card – Perfect for their high blood pressure, get that life insurance money while you can sweetie!
5. Eggs – This is the only thing you know how to cook safely, and your mom simply forgot to pick them up earlier. It is definitely not fucked up if you use your employee discount to buy them.
6. Franzia Wine – Your dad has diabetes, why would you get this? Oh yeah because it’s cheap, and he’ll probably say “child, I can’t drink this” and you’ll say “that’s right!” And then you’ll get to chug it because you can’t let it go to waste! It’s not a poor person’s Christmas unless you’re blacked out from slapping the bag at the family dinner.
7. Screen protectors for their phones – This actually isn’t a bad gift but you still don’t have health insurance, so this will be a good reminder that you are capable of being a good child, and they will therefore feel obligated to let you stay on their plan until you’re 26. 
8. A squatty potty – Anything with an “As Seen on TV” sticker is obviously super impressive. I mean, it was on TV, so it must be a good thing. It definitely is not a sign that you are incapable of making responsible purchases; this will incentivize your mom to keep you on her inheritance because you are such a financial genius. Reverse psychology, baby!
9. A candle – It’s because you still share a bathroom with them, so you must be considerate. Leave the fan off, but leave the candle on all day! Saves on the electric bill, so more money for you!
10. Silence – This is what they actually want from your broke ass, you just can’t wrap it. Darn!