BREAKING: Jewish and Chinese Americans Join Forces to Declare War on Christmas

We just saw a NaiNai and a Bubbe holding hands.

Christmas Tree Credit: KGBO

December 24, 2020

CHINATOWN, NYC – On Christmas Day at 1:30pm, Jewish people descended upon a popular Chinese restaurant, Shanghai 21. This timing was unusual as it was much earlier than the anticipated dinner rush for the occasion. Murmurs on WeChat indicated that there would be high activity in the area for what some are calling a coup.

Reports are coming in stating that anywhere from a couple dozen to a few hundred Jewish residents from Borough Park are congregating in the area. Quite a few have arrived with signs to march down Mott Street. A few chants heard from the crowd included “Hey hey! Ho Ho! Christmas Days Have Got To Go!” “Not Our Holiday!” and “Ain’t no holiday like the holiday of Jewish and Chinese Americans ‘cause the holiday of the Jewish and Chinese Americans don’t stop! [Say what?!?]” It was very difficult to make out what they were saying.

The leaders of this movement included representatives from the Chinese Jewish American Rabbi Association. Rabbi Seymour Rosenthal asserted, “The Jewish and Chinese communities are absolutely sick and tired of Christmas being shoved down our throats all these years. Ever since Starbucks changed their holiday cups, we knew that we had enough momentum to get the movement started.” Rabbi Larry Chang concurred, “It’s true, for me, it was actually when my manager started saying ‘happy holidays’ instead of Merry Christmas, I knew it was our time to charge forward.”

Supporter of the War on Christmas, Stephanie Fu, and mother of two children rejoiced, “Money has been tight these past few years, and every year when we give out red envelopes for the kids on the Lunar New Year, we feel like we’re breaking the bank. But with the new Jewish and Chinese American Holiday season, we’re going to start giving out purple envelopes filled with gelt! So much cheaper.” All the Jewish parents nearby all nodded in agreement.

As Rabbi Chang and Rosenthal took the podium to address the masses, they were excited to share their most outlandish goal yet. Rabbi Chang exclaims, “Jewish Americans, Chinese Americans, I am pleased to share with you all today that we will be formally putting in a request to the City of New York to ban the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, and instead replace it with a massive 80 foot tall Dreidel that is covered on all four sides with with the upside down 福 symbol. Then on the first night of Hanukkah and also the evening of the Lunar New Year, we will spin the Rockefeller Center Dreidel down W 49th Street.” It seemed as though the destruction this public display would cause was intentional.

As all the Chinese and Jewish businesses in the area begin to join forces and monopolize the restaurant and financial services industries, many are calling for the greatest boom in economic history. Rumors are swirling that Jewish families all across the tri-state area are already planning on serving Peking Duck for Passover.