Man Loses 40 lb and Family’s Respect With Dance Dance Revolution Workout Plan

“I did it right, right, right, but my family left, left, lefffffffft.”

While the pandemic has wreaked havoc on most every aspect of our lives in the United States, the $32 billion fitness industry may have had it the worst. Because of gym closures, home fitness programs, equipment, and gadgets have become a necessity to stay in shape.

From Zoom work out classes to professional grade stationary bikes with live sessions led by trainers, like Peloton, there are home workout solutions for every budget and level of experience. Despite the plethora of sensible fitness options, Paul Garrison, a 42 year-old programmer and weeb has taken a different approach.
While doing some quarantine cleaning, Paul found his Playstation 2 with Dance Dance Revolution pad and decided this was going to be his new gym and stomped onward.

For those unfamiliar, Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) is a rhythm based arcade game that simulates “dancing” by having players stomp on directional buttons as arrows move across the screen to the beat of a song. The game was a smash success in Japanese arcades, and the craze spread across the world and eventually to home video game consoles.

While the game is fun, it is not dancing. It doesn’t look like dancing, and it most certainly does NOT look cool. Nevertheless, Paul stomped away, playing DDR 4 hours a day for 3 months. The results speak for themselves. Paul lost 40 pounds, but quickly found out he lost a lot more than that.

Paul also lost the respect of his family and his sexual appeal to his wife. Paul’s daughter (who requested to remain anonymous out of shame) said, “It’s just so embarrassing. Can’t he just be like a normal dad and do Zumba?” Outside of the constant stomping and shaking through the house, Paul’s workout routine has been noticed by neighbors. One neighborhood teen even posted a TikTok, shot from outside the house, of Paul dancing. The TikTok gained over 300k views and humiliated his daughter; she lamented, “Thank God, we are not in school right now, but I know people are sending it around. People tag me whenever it is reposted or shared.”

Paul’s wife, Cindy, has conflicting feelings. “I feel terrible. He looks so good! And I want him to be healthy, but now when we begin to get… physical, I can’t get the image of him stomping and flailing around to techno music out of my head. My libido just disappears,” she confesses.

“My family will come around,” Paul says confidently. “I look good… and I can almost do some songs on Heavy mode.” He seems to believe that playing on the game’s most difficult setting will be undeniably impressive and win back his family, but time is running out. Cindy has filed for divorce and sole custody of the children.

In these trying times people need home fitness solutions, but at what cost? Some exercise equipment is thousands of dollars, but some basic accessories that can be used for basic workout routines can cost as little as $20. Is obsessively playing a Japanese dance simulator innovation or madness? While the answers to these questions are subjective, Thin Paul has no regrets.