REPORT: Production of Mysterious Monoliths Was Outsourced to Chinese Aliens

Stop stealing our jobs, you extraterrestrial freaks!

Photo Credit: Monolith

December 14, 2020

The strange monoliths that have been popping up across the globe have recently come under considerable scrutiny after it was revealed that the manufacturing labor was outsourced to Chinese extraterrestrials. Many Americans are outraged that these jobs were handed out over space rather than given to the hardworking transgalactic life forms that watch over the United States.

Due to interplanetary backlash, President Trump declared earlier today his intention to redirect all extraterrestrial manufacturing jobs back to American exo-soil as part of his Make Alien America Great Again campaign. “Far too long have we succumbed to the will of the Chinese dynabeasts,” his hologram announced, “it’s time we continue sitting back and watching our own neurotechnic cosmoforms get the jobs they deserve.” This proclamation thankfully comes right in the middle of an interstellar financial crisis. Ever since the Chinese UFO industry outcompeted and tanked the alien Detroit economy, millions of unemployed American xenomorphs have lost their cryohomes and have been forced to live off of quantum pellets. Hopefully, these new monolith production jobs will allow them to once again provide for each of their 7 trillion star-children.

This radical commerce resolution is not a welcome sight to all extraterrestrials, however. With the newly imposed giga-embargo, Chinese alien workers will have to face even worse working conditions in their interdimensional sweatshops. Recently, a quantum whistleblower disclosed to reporters that Chinese aliens have been grossly overworked on monolith construction. Reportedly, workers have not been given adequate phosphorus levels to breathe, and they have been told to molt on the factory floors. When one of these alien workers was asked to comment on the health and safety of these monolith galactoplants, they horrifically replied, “⊑⟒⌰⌿ ⏁⊑⟒ ☊⊑⟟⋏⟒⌇⟒ ⏃⍀⟒ ⏁⍜⍀⏁⎍⍀⟟⋏☌ ⋔⊬ ⎎⏃⋔⟟⌰⊬.”

Because of the terrible conditions, long hours, and poor pay of only 3 astrobits an hour, the Chinese aliens have unionized and begun a multiverse-wide strike. With demands of health insurance and threats to hyperblast the planet, the Cosmic Confederation is planning to meet next week to come to a compromise. “We’re not too worried,” reported Confederation Commander Xueh’leq, “we can always just outsource to India.”