Scientists Discover COVID Cure After Relatives Share Grainy Image on WeChat

Don’t judge a cure by its cover

Photo credit: WeChat

After months of battling the novel coronavirus disease, lead scientists at the National Institutes of Health have finally stumbled upon the solution. It was found in a grainy image titled “CORONA CURE” from their family WeChat groups. The picture, which lists ancient wisdom to cleanse the virus, had apparently been circulating on WeChat since the beginning of the pandemic. “I can’t believe that we poured billions into researching the cure when Aunt Mei knew it all along,” lamented head virologist Dr. Scott Wang, “but I guess that’s science!”

The image, now being hailed as a medical bible, wisely states at the top that its claims are “derived from traditional Chinese medicine” in blurry italicized Impact font. Below that is the sagacious command to “drink hot water” poorly photoshopped onto a tea kettle so that the text is barely legible. A large red X has been edited over a stock photo of ice cubes to reiterate the brilliant medical advice. The next line says to “Eat Gin Ger” next to a picture of a ginger root that appears to have been resized and rasterized five hundred times so that it looks like a Minecraft item. The anonymous medical mastermind behind the image then made the genius decision to change the font to Papyrus for the final bit of erudite wisdom: “no phone!” The image seems to have been designed to efficiently deliver its curative knowledge by cleverly using only 98 pixels.

News of this cure has sent shockwaves around the health world, where competitors have abandoned their own projects in favor of the clearly superior answer. Pfizer spokesman Stan Casey announced that the pharmaceutical company has halted production of their vaccine, tossed all the doses into a large pile, and set it on fire. “Our idea just seemed dumb in comparison,” stated Casey, “so we converted our factories into hydroponic ginger farms and use the vaccine fire to boil chrysanthemum tea.” While giving a tour of the renovated facilities, Casey accidentally scrolled through the text messages on his Samsung before quickly chucking the device away. “I knew I shouldn’t have used my phone,” he regretted as he came down with a cough.