Mr. Beast to Give Every Laid Off Tech Employee Their Own Espresso Bar 

“It’s just so sad to see people in need, man.”

April 03, 2023

By: Sila Puhl

Since the start of 2023, large tech companies have laid off over 90,000 workers with more layoffs announced each and every day. Living in the depravity of their SoHo one bedrooms and San Francisco townhouses, these former software engineers are left to stare at their reflection in the black of their unused double monitors, wondering if they’ll ever again ride a golf cart around an office bigger than most American military bases. 

When the internet’s most treasured white savior Mr. Beast saw the news, he knew no one else would swoop in to save these poor, understimulated, under caffeinated CalTech grads. “It’s so sad to see people in need, man. When I see that kind of stuff all I want to do is fly everyone out to a private island and make them dig an extensive underground system to win something so random.” Rather than indulge this masochism, Mr. Beast opted for true charity. He installed an espresso bar in the home of every Silicon Valley tycoon. 

Tyler Forey, 34 and ex Twitter employee, comments “ever since Elon took over my life has felt so unstable. Even sitting in my Y model Tesla blasting Coldplay on perfect surround sound I felt unsafe…but this espresso bar is so grounding. I don’t even need to hop on a One Wheel to get there! It’s just in my house.” 

Mr. Beast says his plans to save the tech masses have barely begun. “Next I’m working on a huge campus. It’s for all of the unemployed coders to come live and eventually die, like a retirement home for nerds in their 30s.” Mr. Beast says he is lobbying the Biden administration to ensure the campus functions as a sovereign city state. “It’ll be like the Vatican but in Florida. Yeah…the Vatican of Florida.”