BREAKING: Your Hometown Built Some More Townhouses

“The world was not prepared for news like this”

September 21, 2022

By: John Hedrick

In a shocking turn of events, your hometown has undergone drastic changes. What was once a blooming forest has become a cul-de-sac for people specifically over 55 years old. Albeit, none of us were prepared but we talked with local residents to find out how it all went down.

“Well at first I was like, ‘Look at the woods I used to play in as a child.’” said your neighbor Pete Barbosa, “Then all of sudden, I drove by the next day and it was being mowed down in the most capitalist way possible. I mean I can’t believe it. You hear about stories like this in other towns but you’d never expect it on Main Street in Littletown, USA.”

Some residents disagree and say they saw it coming.

“I definitely think this isn’t the first time. There’s something going on at the city council level.” said your mother, “I mean why do they keep building more townhouses? It’s not like people are moving here. I don’t want people to move here. Then that means more parking spaces taken up at the Costco and that parking lot is a mess to begin with. Everybody wants money these days and those townhouses will be empty for months to come. I talked to Nancy about it and she sai-” We stopped recording her answer because she started re-hashing Home Owner’s Association beef.

Although some residents are shocked or annoyed, city officials were able to speak on the subject.

“Oh yeah we were just bored.” said local head of city planning, Bernadette Building, “Yes I am aware of my last name. I come from a long family of city architecture and zoning planners.”

Unfortunately, to add insult to injury your local Chipotle will now close at 8:00pm instead of 9:00pm.