BREAKING: Stimulus Bill Will Allow You to Grab Everything You Can From Your Local Bodega in Under a Minute

Ok now get out of my store.

December 22, 2020

WASHINGTON D.C.: Monday evening Congress convened and brought together the final conglomerate of relief for the American People. American citizens were outraged to hear they would only be receiving $600 after months without aid from the federal government. To account for this, Congress passed the ‘Santa Clause’ allowing every living and breathing American 60 seconds to grab anything they wanted from a bodega. The catch? Each owner is allowed to enforce their own restrictions.

Brooklyn native and local bodega owner David Pines said in an interview with us earlier this morning, “They came in hordes, but I was ready. Everyone had to prepare 16 bars of Nicki Minaj’s Super Bass before I’d even unlock the doors.” Pines went on to explain his weed out process for prospective looters.

“Once I had divine intervention from Minaj, which is a beautiful song by the way, they’d have to carefully navigate their way around the store.” Pines reordered his stock so that all the valuables and “tasty treats” were on the top shelves. “If you were under 5’ 7’’, the best thing you’re going to get is a pack of unflavored pringles, maybe a few stray tootsie pops.” Pines left his trickiest test, however, outside.

On their way out, customers would have to barter with the designated 16 year-old loitering outside, who will blow cigarette smoke into your face. If they wanted to leave with their loot, they’d have to be crafty. Thomas Gates, 17, was one of the first to loot his local bodega successfully. “He’ll want something only you can offer, something that lets your personality shine. I did that thing where I flipped my eyelids inside out. He ate it up.”

As many bodegas suffer from looting, we are happy to report that their cats are OK.