Californians Get Three-Day Weekend to Start Uncontrollable Wildfire

Gender reveal parties are more dangerous than earthquakes

September 5, 2022

California has always been vulnerable to natural disasters like earthquakes or coastal storms. It’s also been hit hard by unnatural disasters like massive income inequality and political gridlock. But the state now faces a new challenge: gender reveal parties.

Labor Day, sometimes known as the sequel to Memorial Day or Columbus Day Without the Colonization Vibes, is a tribute to American labor. But since the late 1800s, American labor has shifted from the manufacturing industry to DoorDash driving and TikTok content creation.

Most of the country celebrates Labor Day with barbecues, sunburn, and DUIs. But California’s sexiest firemen will be put to the test as Labor Day weekend presents Californians with opportunities to light a joint in a dry forest, blow up trash cans with leftover Fourth of July fireworks, or the biggest fire threat: throwing an unnecessary gender reveal party/engagement party/bridal shower that no one wants to attend so you can fulfill your Pinterest fantasy.

If you live in the Golden State, remember that the only fire you should be starting is if you’re recording that dope ass mixtape. As Smokey the Bear said, “Just because everything feels like dumpster fire, doesn’t mean you should start a real one.”