Man Who Drinks Water From “You Can Do It!” Gallon Bottle Actually a Large-Mouth Bass

How could we have known through a phone interview? 

March 22, 2022

By: Andal Paul

Washington, D.C.  – As Omicron wanes, many offices begin to return to in-person work. In America’s capital, a metropolitan hubbub, young and old professionals alike flood the silver and blues lines to head into the office, the smell of espresso wafts in and out of starbucks, and the city begins to wake up again. Many people have changed over the two year WFH stint, some more than others. 

We headed over to Goldman-Sachs, one of many companies that have returned to in-person work.

“Johnny’s a fish,” deadpanned Carl Jacobs, CFO of the Goldman-Sachs in Adams Morgan. “He onboarded in June 2020, so we never got to see his face. Phone interview. We can’t fire him because he’s the only one with his skillset. He refuses to train anyone else.”

Johnny Desantis, the man – fish – in question, was found head-down ass-up in a transparent gallon jug of water. His coworker, Maria Sans, poked him roughly on the fin and he came to attention.

“Maria!” He exclaimed, flapping wildly on his desk. “What was that for?”

Sans rolled her eyes. “What a joke,” she said as Desantis struggled to gain traction on the desk. 

“When he first arrived back, he had to get his owner to bring him in… wait maybe that was his wife? Anyway, she insisted that HR allow him to stay half-submerged in that water bottle. He apparently has to ‘drink enough sea water to keep him alive,’ so she bought one of those water bottles that says encouraging words like ‘oh brother, this is too easy!’, ‘keep drinking, handsome!’ or ‘butt chug me, daddy!’. It has measurements for every hour too.” 

Despite Johnny’s unusual work ethic, he has been one of Goldman’s most successful hires through the new Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) initiative.