Generous! Landlord Stops by to Repaint Your Mattress

He also replaced your thermostat with drywall.

November 16, 2021

By: Grant Yang

“Hey! How’s it going, Mark? Oh, right it was Kenji. Hard to keep all my tenants straight, I’m so bad with names…haha. Anyways, sorry to drop by unannounced but I thought I would start preparing the place for the new guys. Landlords, am I right? ‘Eat the rich!’ haha. Not me though, I’m only upper middle class.”

“Wow, I love what you’ve done with the bedroom. Did you seriously get another thermostat after I explicitly took out the old one? That’s so…cool! And you added some lovely paintings without asking first, too! Are you going to get those nail holes fixed, or…? Don’t worry about it, actually. That’s why I brought my trusty paint bucket with me today. Could you just move all your belongings out of the room for a few hours? Thanks! Oh, you’re taking the curtains, too? Someone’s feeling a little stingy today, haha! Do you just hate sharing?”

“I’m just going to paint over your bed if you don’t mind. Yeah, I just want it to look like new for the future tenants. There we go, white is much better. Oops, looks like someone left their dog as a surprise under the sheets! You weren’t trying to hide him, were you? What a good boy! Who’s a good doggo? You are! Your owner didn’t pay the pet fee. Yes you are! That’s $500 a month. You’re so cute! Plus interest now. Awwwww!”

“Ok I found the rat problem you asked about. Yeah, I know you called 6 months ago but I was letting them naturally die off, it’s called Darwinism. See? They’re all dead now. Actually that one’s still alive, so that’s an extra $500 pet fee. Oh, you want to get rid of them? Ok, I’ll go fetch the paint bucket again.”

“Alright, thanks again for letting me come by. You’ll be out tomorrow, right? Oh, I forgot to tell you that I updated the lease and chopped off a few months. Well, if you’re out tomorrow, I won’t tell the police you’ve been illegally keeping rats. Woah Kenji, no need to get angry! Don’t think about it as me kicking you out. Think about it as me giving someone else a new home. Ok, bye!”