Oh Uhhh: White Guy At Asian Restaurant Boldly Claims He Wants The “Actual” Spicy Stuff

“We do add in some extra heat for assholes like this guy”

August 19, 2021

BALTIMORE 一 24 year-old White guy reportedly insisted on ordering the “actual” spicy chow mein at a local Chinese restaurant as exhausted employees begrudgingly obliged.

“Yeah, I know the deal around here. You order something like chow mein and it’s never that spicy because they look at me and think this white guy can’t handle the authentic version. Listen, I don’t want to make a fuss about it, but this is what real discrimination looks like,” exclaimed Brad Miller. “I usually grab the waitresses’ hand and talk extremely slowly to make sure she can understand what I’m saying. I even took the time to look up how to say ‘spicy’ in Chinese but Google kept bringing up some Mandarin shit.”

Employees at Golden Noodle Buffet expressed discontent after dealing with the attention-seeking customer.

“What’s he trying to prove? Maybe if I was 7 or something, I’d be astonished by how brave he’s being. But literally no one cares. And it doesn’t even matter because there is no secret menu and we don’t do special requests,” said head chef Lucy Zheng.

“Although that being said, we do add in some extra heat for assholes like this guy. It’s become somewhat of a spectacle and the entire restaurant watches him struggle to hold back the tears. We even have some older customers who like to egg him on by saying things like ‘Oh, look at this big strong man’ or pretending to be shocked that he can handle the heat. It keeps his confidence up and also ensures that he doesn’t chicken out halfway through the plate.”

Miller’s primary care physician, Dr. Robert Gresham, expressed concern for his patient’s well-being.

“This is the third time Mr. Miller has ended up in my office within the past month. Last week it was paneer tikka masala and the week before he ingested an entire tube of wasabi because he thought it would make him look like a badass,” said Dr. Gresham. “Examinations show that he is in constant pain from his diet, yet he persists in this pointless charade. This might be a HIPAA violation but, I think this is his way of overcompensating for a certain body part of his. Trust me, as his doctor, I would know.”

At press time, a sweating Miller continuously repeated the phrase, “I swear it’s not that bad” through exasperated breaths and frequent hiccups.