How to Hold Your Friend’s Newborn Baby Without Saying ‘Ew’
Attempting enthusiasm for a translucent bag of flesh with no eyes
October 21, 2021
By: Julia Zhen
So your weirdo friends decided it was a good idea to conceive a baby and carry it to term. Of course they’re doing that thing where they have to show off the baby like it’s some kind of TJ Maxx find that your middle aged mother is posting about on Facebook. Except, at least in that situation you can be relatively impressed with the fact that your mom got a Michael Kors bag that isn’t totally fugly for a decent price. How do you even begin to attempt enthusiasm for a newborn baby that literally looks like a translucent bag of flesh with no eyes? We’ve got you covered.
1. Practice your facial expression in the mirror
When you walk into your friends’ home, they’ll introduce the baby to you first. As soon as you see the baby, practice the same look on your face and the line that you rehearsed in the mirror, ‘oh my gosh!!!! Look at this little babe! So precious and sweet. Looks just like the both of you!’ If you feel bad for lying through your teeth, grow up. Make sure you are raising your eyebrows high, sucking your grin back into your cheekbones, and making the pitch of your voice as high as possible and then low as possible if you ever choose to engage with the baby in ‘baby talk.’
2. Avoid holding the baby if possible
The best way to hide your disgust is to keep your distance from the thing itself. Babies in strollers wearing little hats and outfits are definitely more palpable. If you keep your distance, you can squint and tilt your head a bit and the baby will definitely look better than if you just stare at it head on. If you know you won’t need to hold the baby, take two shots before you walk in. That’ll definitely help make that little troll kinder on the eyes.
3. Comment only on the baby’s nose, toes, or fingies
Most babies as a whole, as a concept, with all of their characteristics accumulated make them ugly. But if you just focus on one area, then you can kind of separate its individual features from the others, and see that there are parts of it that are cuter than its whole sum. Try out these lines
‘Wook at da wittle baby’s perfect wittle nosey wosey!’
‘Whose got da stinkiest wittle feets n toesies in da world!! You do! You do!’
‘Those little fingies are little mini sausages I could eat ‘em right up! Chomp chomp chomp!’
4. Close your eyes
There is a chance that your absolutely insane friends who are just new parents are going to tell you that you can hold the baby. If you’re feeling brave (and not under the influence type of brave) hold the baby and close your eyes when you look down at it. Picture something ACTUALLY cute like a puppy, kitten, little monkey etc.
5. Tell your friends you have COVID and that you have to meet the baby over Zoom
When they log onto Zoom try to use one of those video chat filters over the baby that changes it into like some kind of tropical party paradise themed baby and then it becomes this funny little person on the beach drinking a piña colada in sunglasses. That is actually funny, and hopefully the filter will take away some of the harsh edges of this baby, and you can make up more lies as you go along.
