Success! Woman Finds Clever Way to Name Drop Her Antidepressant Into Every Conversation She Has

‘LEXAPRO, am I right?’

By: Andal Paul

August 26, 2021

Newark, New Jersey 一 Emily Vance, a well-known white women to her friends and family, has been spotted again at Newark’s local beer garden, listening closely to the conversations around her, waiting for a moment to strike. On Tuesday afternoon, she found one, again.

“Hey,” Vance spoke loudly and confidently, but casually (her words) to a table of young brown women on her right, when she heard one of them complaining about their antidepressant symptoms, “Lexapro, am I right?” She jeered. “I can’t keep my eyes open!” When the women rolled their eyes and handed their checks to a nearby waitress, she called, “Is it safe to be drinking anyway? On SSRIs, I mean?”

Vance’s best friend, Fiona, was there to see this all unfold, but, according to her, this happens every weekend.

“She knows the answers to these questions.” Fiona sighed, looking over her shoulder to make sure Emily was still gone – she had gotten up to ask a server for a glass of water so she could swallow her “happy pill” – and rested her head on her hands. “And for me it’s just like…why. I’m on antipsychotics, for fucks sake. That’s hilarious. But if I slipped it into every conversation I’d be arrested, probably.”

Fiona rarely spends time with Vance these days, as it’s ‘too exhausting’ to keep up with the content.

John John, head of the Tri-state distribution for pharmaceuticals, was kind enough to weigh in.

“Look, I see a lot of drugs pass by my desk. No, not like that.” John corrects quickly, watching our TLT correspondent scribble frantically on her notepad. “It’s just, to be prescribed that many drugs, and to still be telling jokes that horrible, it’s..unlikely, at best.” 

As Vance exited the beer garden after staying there from opening until closing, she perhaps did the most pathetic and staged fall where she purposefully emptied the contents of her purse as she hit the ground. The scene concluded with everyone around her staring at her with empty and confused looks as she bellowed, “Oh no!!! My 10 mg daily Lexapro Escitalopram!”