Asking For It? This Guy Got Mugged Because He Was Moving Too Slowly After Eating KBBQ

He was wearing a Patagonia vest and a Patek Philippe watch

August 4, 2022

KOREATOWN, L.A. – Pressured by his new bro-y coworkers to interpret the KBBQ menu last Saturday evening, Henry Park was met with an unwelcome surprise on the eight block stroll back to his vehicle.

Henry shared, “I was just so full of the amazing banchan and meat and rice and more meat. I saw him coming, but even though my brain was telling my legs to move, I just couldn’t. My legs felt like really nice fatty pork belly – you know when it sizzles as it hits the grill, and the color changes?”

Onlookers, who did not intervene, reported that a petite white boy, probably around eleven years old, approached Park, did a double take, and asked for Park’s wallet. When Park refused, the alleged attacker simply followed him down the street, pulling items from Park’s pockets. Park’s arms seemed to be moving in slow motion to fend off the little urchin.

When interviewed, Policeman Rob Burns began unwrapping a hot dog and stated, “Frankly, it’s his own fault. This is a high crime area, and it’s a lot of effort to chase a fugitive for me.” Holding a melting ice cream taiyaki, a bystander, who did not agree to be a witness on the police report, added “It was like something out of a comedy movie. Whatever he ate, I’ll have what he had!”

Talking over the bystander, Rob Burns continued with a full mouth, “At night, it’s hard to tell who the criminal is, and with all this PC stuff, God forbid I shoot the wrong person. ” Mustard slowly dripped onto Burns’ uniform; he abruptly broke eye contact and stared into the distance.

Henry Park, still standing next to both the policeman and bystanders, questioned why no one came to his aid.

“Asking for it. You fill up on that heavy stuff, and you’re toast. Or roast – meat. Ha!,” Policeman Burns chortled before cramming his fourth hot dog into his mouth.

After a brief pitstop to pant for breath, Park’s coworkers arrived at the scene, bystanders straggling away now that the action was over. One of them was surprisingly accompanied by the alleged attacker. “What do you say, Chris-y?” the coworker, probably named Chad, asked, playfully.

“Sorry, dude.”

As Park recouped his possessions, Chris(-y?) spanked the policeman’s butt before running away.

“Boys will be boys,” chuckled Burns, before his eye caught on a receipt floating from Park’s wallet. “Wait, where did you find KBBQ without a two meat minimum?!”