Opinion: Wait, Your Mom is White and Your Dad is Asian?

Is this some type of joke? How is that supposed to make sense?

August 15, 2021

Being a halfie is great. You have two cultures to draw from, two unique familial timelines, and two sets of family you will never be good enough for. You’ll be able to navigate fun conversations starters from weird men at bars like “what kind of Asian are you? Are you mixed?” or “wow you speak English so well”. Pretty much all halfies now get their clueless white dad’s goofiness and the caring nature of their Asian mother. Wait, hang on, you mean to say your mom is white, and your dad is Asian?

Is this some type of joke? how is that supposed to make sense? I have a million questions. You mean there isn’t some weird age or income gap where your dad out earns your mother two to one? Your dad isn’t upset that you’re speaking with your mom in a language that isn’t English? It must be crazy that your dad isn’t some weirdo going around talking about his Asian wife. Holy crap, which one of them is going to teach you manners and how to cook? You’re fucked.

In all seriousness, the life of a halfie is weird already, but you got to double down on it. No, the fact that both your parents love and care for you dearly does not matter and no I’m not projecting onto you. Your Asian grandparents must be ecstatic over this, hell, your white grandparents must have some wild ass opinion also. You also get to miss out on the existential crisis that halfies with Asian moms and white Dads have. You’ll never be lying awake at night wondering if the only reason you exist is because your dad has some acted upon Asian fetish.

Regardless, it’s expected that your future is going to include some uncomfortable experiences, your mother will undoubtedly ask you to not shovel rice from your bowl into your mouth and insist you use a fork. Your dad will love the bond with the family pet harder than he will bond with you. You already know Asian parents are always disappointed in you no matter what, but imagine your dad looking at you while he whispers “oh my god my kid is such a damn gweilo”. It will sting deeper than any disapproval that two Asian parents could reign down upon you.

The silver lining here is that you’ll find it to be a challenge to upset either parent culturally more than you already will naturally. Oh wait, you’re studying Creative Writing as a major? Wow you really are gunning to just piss off everyone, aren’t you?