Olympic Naruto Runner Tests Positive for Performance Enhancing Drugs

Olympic Naruto running is under scrutiny, and not because it’s not actually an Olympic sport.

August 5, 2021

Olympic Naruto running is under scrutiny, and not because it’s not actually an Olympic sport. Although it totally should be. How is run-walking an Olympic sport?

Naruto running champion Hermès Loughlin tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, the second worst thing you can test positive for at this year’s Olympics. It is confirmed that Loughlin, better known by his gamertag Poopdick69, was not on anabolic steroids. Loughlin did test positive for Senzu Beans, which are strictly prohibited from Naruto running since they are from the Dragon Ball universe. This still isn’t as dumb as banning someone for weed.

Naruto running is divided into three events:

The Naruto Sprint, which requires runners to quickly run away from their adult responsibilities.
The Public Naruto, where runners must run like a dork in public, usually with disappointed families around. This event also requires that runners have no shame.
Naruto marathon, where competitors must watch all 900+ episodes of Naruto from three different series.

The Naruto Athletic Running Committee (NARC) released a statement: “We are disappointed by the news of Loughlin’s drug testing. We strongly believe in safe and fair competition. Naruto runners should only rely on their training, determination, and continued virginity to perform at the highest level.”

Naruto running is only recently coming from another scandal, when a competitor in the 2016 Olympics was caught using shadow clones.