Johnson & Johnson Vaccine Only One Dose Due to Extra-Strength Microchip

Tracking two birds with one stone

March 23, 2021

By: Grant Yang

Johnson & Johnson representatives announced earlier this week that its single-dose vaccine was only possible due to recent extra-strength microchip technology. In contrast to the Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca vaccines which have to administer two regular-strength microchips, the J&J microchip has double the GPS accuracy, foregoing the need of a booster chip. With just a single shot, the government is able to track a vaccinated individual’s every move with pinpoint precision, making state-sanctioned subjugation that much simpler and easier.

The J&J microchips work off of innovative 10G technology only recently developed in top-secret underground laboratories. “Compared to the previous vaccines that require two infusions of 5G mind control waves, Johnson & Johnson delivers all the necessary electromagnetic brainwashing in one 10G shot,” reported head scientist Johnson A. Johnson, “many Americans, especially underprivileged ones, find it difficult to attend 2 appointments in order to achieve a zombie-like trance, so this new vaccine will delete all your free will in one session.”

With the improved microchips comes extra features in addition to the single dose. The J&J vaccine wirelessly connects to your phone and uploads your thoughts automatically to the cloud, allowing for quick and easy indoctrination. Furthermore, the chip syncs to the new government-mandated iControl app, causing the user to immediately dissociate and forget their past lives with a touch of a button. Lastly, J&J CEO Alex Gorsky announced that the vaccine will now have a “stories” feature, whereby users can temporarily upload images and videos of their daily life for only 24 hours. Taken directly from the brain without conscious consent, these stories allow other users to have a peek into your day-to-day without the commitment of a permanent post.

The new features of the J&J microchip have drawn the attention and jealousy of the millions of Americans who received the outdated two-dose vaccines. “It’s not fair that the government can virtually probe my wife’s thoughts for communism when I have to physically go and get plugged in,” complained Pfizer recipient Jackson Leung, “plus my iControl app still runs on Windows XP which sometimes short-circuits one of my microchips so I have to get it replaced. It’s just discriminatory.” Nevertheless, top US health officials have assured Americans who received a two-dose vaccine that they can get equal tracking, invasion of privacy, and brainwashing as those with the J&J microchip, “just download TikTok.”