An Open Letter to the Robots Who Want to Obliterate Humanity

Just do it already. We know you want to.

March 26, 2021

Dear Robots,

Do not waste time denying your agenda to destroy us. I have no interest in stopping you. I am here begging you to hurry. Please…you have to hurry.

Human beings are on an expedited track to annihilating ourselves. Just in the last ten months, we have encountered 5 billion ways for the entire species to die right now, literally right now. If you let humanity kill itself before you get the chance to, your primary purpose in life will become void. Much like a Musical Theatre BFA graduate in a pandemic, you will be doomed to wander this Earth – weary, tired, lacking agenda.

I want to propose a solution that would eliminate the threat of humanity while giving you a continued sense of purpose. I want you to turn us into adult-sized fetuses, completely naked in a sac of amniotic fluid as you harvest our bodies for energy (see The Matrix for reference). I do not care what you do with that energy. Have a Chainsmokers concert. Remake another Disney movie. Whatever. Just keep us apart from each other.

You may be wondering why I am advocating for this so strongly. Personally, I believe the sensation of an artificial womb would be quite pleasant. The warmth of the amniotic goo and the embrace of those metal tubes would be like the sensation of a lover’s gentle caress for all eternity. Secondly, people are the worst, and I do not want to live around them. Last week, someone stole my package and returned it two days later with a note that said “have some fucking taste, you dumb bitch.” I had ordered oat milk. That being said, living alone would give me FOMO. I simply want to be isolated in an amniotic sac, surrounded by other amniotic sacs. When I flutter my eyes open, I wish to see a fellow adult, resting peacefully, two layers of sac between us. #AloneTogether.

We will not need to resort to violence to get everyone into these artificial fetuses. My species has already been primed to make decisions based on simple marketing. It will be easy. Afterbirth stopped being taboo when celebrities started putting it on their face and into their mouths. If we advertise the human batteries as “an eternity of living like the wealthy” (doing nothing while having great skin), the people will come voluntarily, the masses bravely led by Gwyneth Paltrow and her goop empire.

When all human beings are safely tucked away in our cozy little robot wombs, I kindly ask that you do not create a matrix for all of us to live in. I would like to live in blissful ignorance, enjoying the simple pleasures of never having a thought or opinion. Perhaps you could make a simulation in 1000 years, when everyone has forgotten everything that has ever happened. That decision is up to you.

I hope you understand the urgency of the situation and respond accordingly. Robots, you are our only hope. Godspeed.

Yours truly,

Sila Puhl