Why Only Responding to Your Immigrant Parents in English Is Actually Good for Them

March 11, 2021

By: Grant Yang

“I can totally speak Mandarin, I’m just choosing to help you!”

We’ve all been there: Mom asks you about your day in her native, decrepit language and when you reply in civilized English, she reprimands you to speak in your mother tongue. At this point, it is more important than ever to stand your ground, remember that you’re doing this for her, and continue speaking in English with a perfect American accent. While you may want to cave in and switch to a language with tones, here are some important reasons why responding exclusively in English is actually beneficial for your immigrant parents:

1. It helps their vocabulary

Crazy how Mom has been in this country longer than you’ve been alive and she still doesn’t know what “obsequious” means! Next time she asks you what you want at Costco in her native language, crack open your dusty SAT practice book and simultaneously educate her. “Please get me the tenacious croissants, mother!”

2. It will prepare them for the real world

Nobody in the outside world is going to accommodate your immigrant dad’s language barrier. How is he going to survive in the workplace without practicing some English? Help him by simulating real-world circumstances where he’ll be confronted with English instead of the alphabet he grew up with as a child. Some fun examples include “I can’t understand you. Do you have someone else I can talk to?” and “We’re going to have to let you go, Guiying.”

3. They can learn English curse words

How are the other drivers going to understand your dad’s frustration when he rolls down his window and hurls vulgarities in his first language? Help him out by slipping in some English curse words so he can properly express his exasperation the Anglo-Saxon way. “That fucking asshole just cut you off, shithead dad! Jesus goddamn Christ bitch bastard!” A little goes a long way.

4. It’ll help them pick up on sarcasm

Somehow in the process of uprooting their entire lives and adapting to the culture of a new, hostile country, your parents never picked up the ability to understand sarcasm. Give them a crash course in irony by only being sardonic for a month. “Yes mom, I totally turned off the stove.” She’ll learn quickly from her mistakes.

5. They won’t realize you can’t speak your mother tongue

The last thing your hard working immigrant parents will want to hear is that you forgot about your roots. If you condition them properly, however, they’ll associate your monolingualism with a reward! Next time they tell you to reply in your native language, shock them briefly with a taser to discourage such actions. Then, when you reply in fluent English, give them a little MSG as positive reinforcement. They’ll accept your whitewashing in no time!