Opinion: If My Mom Does Not Compulsively Text a Photo of the Neighborhood Deer Every Time It Appears She Will Explode
“wOW DEEr back”
July 18, 2022
By: Jess Kim
It happens when I least expect it – on my commute, while eating a crunchy banh mi, when I’m sleeping – the familiar bzz bzz of my phone alerting me. An emergency? A friend’s joke?
No. It’s Mom. And her stupid deer.
In the family group chat, we’re averaging about eight pictures a day, plus follow-up texts describing the minutiae of deer life.
“2 FAwns with MOM 2day. Little Joey dEad?!”
“wOW DEEr back”
“Little JoeY IS back but drools when EAts. RABIES?!?!?”
Recently, she hasn’t let us come over at all, for fear we’ll spook her precious deer. She won’t leave the house. One time, I hid her phone right before deer emerged from the forest, and she began outright weeping, her hands making the motion of clicking a phone screen in the empty air.
I’m beginning to think the deer hold some sort of ransom over here. The instant she sees a deer, her eyes go blank, and she can look at nothing else. It’s like she can’t see her real family any more.
Sarah’s college graduation merited one photo in the group text. The deer got ten photos that day. Mom didn’t attend the ceremony.
I finally merit an invitation for Sunday dinner by texting back to her deer updates:
“Deer today?”
“Nice.”
As I close the front door behind me, I see my arch-enemies approach the yard. I close the curtains and dutifully offer to slice some green onion. Suddenly, my mother straightens.
“I hear Felicia and her kids!”
I desperately hope Felicia is a new neighbor. Instead, my mom, clad in her yellow rubber dish gloves, clings to the curtains and peeks lovingly at a family of deer outside.
Without even taking her soapy gloves off, she begins uploading pictures to the group chat. My phone buzzes spastically next to me.
“Mom, please stop sending photos. I’m right here. I see them!”
Desperately, I try to snap her out of her obsessive camera clicking.
“I got a promotion at work. I’m making a ton of money now!”
Nothing.
“Mom, I’ve met a nice Korean man, who is also a wealthy doctor and owns land back in Korea and speaks five languages and loves to grill galbi.”
No response.
I shimmy next to my mother and gently start easing the curtains closed, as her finger continues to jab at the camera button. Looking out, I see Sarah getting out of her car and staring down the deer family, hate in her eyes. Then, she slowly reaches into her handbag and pulls out a deer antler headband and pushes it onto her hair. Pathetic.
Craving mom’s attention. Just like something Little Joey would do.
Except his mom doesn’t have access to SMS.
